List of coping strategies for bad days
1. Affirmation
2. Do the bare minimum
3. Exempt yourself from any expectations to perform
4. Do a quick meditation (if you can!)
5. Order your favourite meals and snacks
6. Watch pre-selected movies
7. Talk to someone
8. Wait for the depressive episode to subside
First things first, you are okay. This is not your fault. Depression is an illness, and it is not a reflection of who you are as a person. I learned that depression doesn’t always feel the same — it comes in shades of misery, some easier to manage than others. The hardest depression to manage is the one that strips you of the ability to do simple things and paralyses you completely.
The depressive episode is brutal. You wake up one morning and can’t make yourself breakfast, take a shower, change from the pyjamas, get out of the house, or respond to a text. It’s sudden and has no warning signs — it just happens. One day you can get by, another you can’t get up from the couch, paralysed by the meaninglessness of your life and overwhelming fatigue.
How to recognise a depressive episode
Even if you lived with depression for a very long time, you might struggle to recognise a particularly dark day. Depression is sneaky when it comes to making you feel like you are the problem.
There are signs and symptoms that can help you identify a depressive episode.
Feeling like you’re just not in the mood
Negative thoughts about your future
Feeling lazy
Not seeing the point in your pursuits
Heaviness in your body, wanting to crawl under a blanket
Inability to perform simple tasks
Anxiety around your job/career
Shame and self-deprecation
Feeling lonely
Not seeing a purpose in life
How to create an emergency plan and how to use it
I found that when depression is spiralling out of control, nothing helps. The only thing that can be done is damage control. That’s why I came up with an Emergency Plan tailored to my needs and experiences.
It can take a while to realise you are having one of those really dark days, and it’s okay if it took you half the day to figure it out. As soon you identify the problem, it helps to follow a plan you’ve set out for yourself in advance. I learned this strategy while I was recovering from an eating disorder. Because sometimes I struggled with choosing food to eat, I created a list of things I’d eat any day and put it on my fridge. That way, whenever I struggled, I just had to look at the list and choose something, anything.
I created the Emergency Plan based on my needs and observations. The best strategy for me is to distract myself for long enough to get through the day with minimal damage. By damage, I mean words, decisions, and actions I will regret when I got better.
Step 1. Affirmation
It starts with an affirmation:
I am okay. I am safe. This will pass.
It’s important to remind yourself that this feeling won’t last forever. You will not believe the affirmation, but it helps to say it anyway. If a loved one can do it for you, it works even better.
Step 2. Exempt yourself from any expectations to perform
Next, mentally write this day off. It's just a shit day, a write-off.
Give yourself permission to relinquish all expectations for the day ahead. Sometimes we have to work and do life admin, which is unavoidable, but please, do give yourself permission to do the bare minimum. Neither pushing yourself, nor beating yourself up will help you through the day. Many people use misery and self-deprecation as fuel, but the fruits of doing things out of guilt and anger aren’t as sweet as those of kindness and drive.
Step 3. Permission to do the bare minimum
You had a meeting planned? Let it go. You have some side hustle work to do? Let it go. Writing an assignment? Let it go. Cooking dinner for the family tonight? Order a take-out. Give yourself permission to postpone everything that doesn’t seem achievable today. Your mental health is more important.
Brené Brown talks about permission slips she writes for herself in her books — and I think it’s a great idea. The only thing is, writing on a day like this can be too much to ask. I usually give myself mental permission.
Step 4. Try a very quick meditation – if you can
Feel free to skip this step if it feels completely out of reach. But if you can spend a few minutes sitting in silence, then ground yourself using your breath, or any other bodily sensation.
Paying attention to breathing might seem like a futile endeavour but it will calm your nervous system. The regulated nervous system is more resilient and will get you out of the depressing funk quicker.
Step 5. Food that makes you feel good
I’m all for a healthy diet, fruits and vegetables, water, and smoothies. Chances are though, on a bad day, you are not going to have the capacity to nourish your body, and that’s okay.
There comes a time when your mental health is more important than your physical health. I consider a depressive episode to be that time. If you can ask someone to make sure you eat well (meaning: shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning), that’s fantastic! Otherwise, there’s always Uber and Menulog.
What food makes you feel good or soothes you? I’m indifferent to sweets but I love all things salty. My go-to soothing food is potato chips, always and forever. Unless someone can magically produce 4 bunches of perfectly round radishes, fresh cucumbers, and 2 kilos of sugar snap peas — I’m getting 2 bags of chips.
Treat additional spending as medical expenses because that’s what they are.
Step 6. Distraction
Now, you have to make sure negative thoughts do not overwhelm you. The best way to ensure that is to distract your mind.
My favourite type of distraction is watching movies. Not just any movies, but ones that elicit a certain feeling. I noticed that films about regular people and their lives work best. I prefer to watch movies I’ve seen before to avoid any anxiety and relax in the comfort of knowing exactly what’s going to happen. Another important thing to keep in mind when choosing your movies is to make sure they are trigger-free. Any triggers that have the potential of hurting you. Remember, you are extremely vulnerable when going through a depressive episode.
Here's my list of recommended films to add to your Emergency Plan:
Mad Dog and Glory (1993)
My Blueberry Nights (2007)
Stanley & Iris (1990)
In The Mood for Love (2000)
The Pursuit of Happiness (2006)
Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Lost In Translation (2004)
Groundhog Day (1993)
Come up with a list of films you like and know and add it to your Emergency Plan.
Step 7. Talk to someone
Talking to someone can help separate depression from yourself and lessen the guilt of ‘doing nothing’. Other people help us do reality-check and normalise our experiences.
"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive" (Brené Brown)
I doubt you have 24/7 access to your mental health professional, but you can always reach out to your friends. Even if you don't feel like sharing your mental health status, a connection with a fellow human makes everything better.
Don't forget about hotlines. Those services are great and people on the other end of the line are well-trained and paid to listen to you. Needing someone to talk to is an excellent reason to give them a call.
Step 8. Wait for things to change
Nothing lasts forever, the only constant in our life is change.
It can be extremely hard to believe that one day you will feel different, but you will. Sometimes, it's just a matter of waiting it out.
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