How to be alone but not feel lonely

Travelling through life solo doesn't have to be painful

1. Accept it, don’t resist it

2. Create rituals that will fill your cup

3. Listen to yourself

4. Learn emotional regulation

5. Join a community

6. Be the person you need in your life

Being alone can be seen as a luxury — especially if you are an involuntary actor in the Sydney rental market madness. But it can also be challenging, frightening, and confusing.

I vividly remember not getting off at my bus station so that I can be with a school friend for the extra 6 minutes it took to get to her house. I must have been 10 or 12 years old and couldn’t stand being alone. I loved when our house was filled with relatives and friends during the Christmas holidays. I remember being 21 and spending hours on end in a café with 6 to 9 friends, feeling like there was nothing better than being surrounded by people.

Today, all of these scenarios make me wince. I choose whom I’d spend two hours of my day with as if I was choosing a wedding dress. I never shared a house with flatmates, even when I had to choose between paying rent and putting food on my table. I don’t plan my schedule to accommodate other people and I am the first one to bail from the party. I love being in my own company!

When life forces you to change

I’m sure things changed out of necessity: when I migrated to Australia, I left everything I knew on another continent. Moving from city to city, from state to state, I didn’t have a core group of friends and had to learn and master the art of being alone.

At some point, I accepted that being alone may just be my default for quite some time. I had to make peace with it, and so I did. I created rituals and traditions that filled my cup. Taking myself to the movies on a Tuesday evening, finding a secret café for Saturday breakfasts, exploring dancing classes and new suburbs.

What to do when you are feeling down

There are many benefits to living and travelling through life alone, but the major downside is going through tough times by yourself. Learning how to soothe heartache and longing to have a family nearby is critical for anyone who moved out of their hometown.

Whenever I feel blue, I turn to my favourite practice, journaling. But first, I sit down, place my hand on my heart, and listen closely. I narrow my focus on the alarm and acknowledge its presence. We tend to avoid feeling the raising panic of feeling lonely but as Dr Kennedy explained in one of the Mel Robbins Podcast episodes — you can’t change it unless you feel it.

I acknowledge the alarm and try to find words that best describe my worry. Is it fear? Is it hopelessness? Am I angry or upset? It helps to understand the actual reason for feeling this way because then you can address it directly.

When I identified what bothers me, I begin journaling about it. First, letting it all out, then, reassuring myself that all is well. Feelings aren’t facts but way too often they hijack our minds and paint a very gloomy and convincing picture. Journaling helps with a reality check we sometimes need.

Other ways of emotional regulation for a singleton

It all comes down to learning how to regulate your emotions. Not easy, given that most of us have never been taught to do it. Emotional regulation is just a fancy word for feeling the feels without reacting to them. I find journaling, and meditation the most valuable practices of all. Both allow for some space between the thought and the reaction to it.

In the past, I often used online shopping to cope with unpleasant emotions, but since learning emotional regulation techniques I can report that has not been an issue for quite some time. It’s amazing what a difference 10 minutes of quiet can make in one’s life!

The result of consistent meditation and journaling practice is self-compassion, which some people call its own strategy. Self-compassion, however, is not a mental switch — it’s an action. You can’t just decide to be compassionate towards yourself, you have do it, put it into action. Self-compassion is challenging the inner critic and continuously showing up for yourself.

“Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. Where this active concern is lacking, there is no love.” (Eric Fromm)

Finding a community when you have none

I relate to the struggle of making friends as an adult, and I also believe I manage to hack this problem. You can join communities, such as a yoga class, volunteering for a cause, or a sound healing session. You may not know these people, but you do share a common interest. I feel like I’m a part of a community whenever I go on my morning walks. I bump into the same people and dogs every day, and it makes me feel like I belong to something greater than myself.

Become the person you want to have in your life

We often fixate on the deficits — on the things we don’t have and on the qualities others lack. But how often do we ask ourselves what we actually want?

When we identify what’s missing, it gets easier to fulfil that need. What can you do to give that to yourself without getting it from other people? I bet you can.

---